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    12345_2008's Avatar
    12345_2008 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Sep 9, 2008, 10:49 AM
    Is "love at first sight" true love?
    I find that this is just an immidiate impression of a person that makes the person feel very happy suddently. It might feel like love because you like the way they look, the sound of their voice, their personality? Has anyone of you married someone that originally been attracted that way? Love at first site makes you have purpose for living, specially if you never happen to feel what love is in any other way. It also happens when two peoples eye contact happen at the same time and it is held for a few seconds. An initial contact.

    My situation is this: My ex, who I broke up with 5 years because he was acting strange fell in love with a co-worker in January. He called it "love at first sight", or fell in love the moment he saw her. In his irrational mind, he sees her as "the one" who he should marry. She is engaged with problems in her relationship and apparently also likes him, but she did question his feelings "how can you love me if you don't know the TRUE me?. He feels that she is the one and hopes that by remaining friends with her that that will give him a chance for her to turn around and change her mind to leave her current boyfriend.

    I know my ex is not ready for this responsability, or ready to share with anyone his movements. He still needs to mature. I feel now that he has manipulated me to false promisses. He had once said that he did "love" me but didn't feel he was IN-Love with me. I told him that initially, people get infatuated then when the HOTS calm down, and we feel more comfortable, LOVE transforms to a much deeper feeling. Then we see who we really are in REAL time. Not like when you first love someone that we think they are perfect. Love is a wonderful thing and it takes nouragement to keep it alive. Like a plant. You must need to water it, and give it vitamins once in a while, if its indoors, or give it shade if outdoor. Basically you need to protect it so it doesn't shatter because it is sensitive to anything but strong enough to surpase any hardship. It's like the ocean. It is gentle when it wants to be but rough when it wants to move around but the ocean is kindness and immense body is always there... anyway.

    Is love a first sight, REAL Love? Has anyone been married to anyone who has experience this, and how is it going? I need example. I believe in LOVE and in site too, but not to think that it will last. It's a nice rush though.

    Love to hear what you say.
    simoneaugie's Avatar
    simoneaugie Posts: 2,490, Reputation: 438
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    #2

    Sep 9, 2008, 11:25 AM
    With my husband it was love at first sight. I've read that "that" kind of love is quite different than what happens long term, that the initial rush is more of a hormonal surge. We have been married for many years but the rush still comes around at times, usually during physical contact like hugs etc.

    But I can really relate to this quote:

    “Ironically, it's the persistence of the fantasy of eternal love that undermines the improvisation needed to sustain a loving relationship.”
    Rosemary Sullivan
    12345_2008's Avatar
    12345_2008 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Sep 9, 2008, 11:56 AM
    Thanks Simone for your reply. I'm very happy that it worked for you. I know it's an ever lasting emotion.

    I asked because I loved my ex-boyfriend but now it's very difficult to even try to reason with him now that he has been transformed by the LOVE BUG, or potion she did on him, for that matter. As your quote says, "its persistence for the fantacy of eternal love...". Bad part is I suppose he was not truly in love with me. After 5 years he doesn't want to even speak to me. That tells me that this attraction really hit his vulnerable size and he would defend it with his life. - some say to move on. It's hard because this happened to him while dating me but he couldn't come clean to let me know that this was going on.
    BetrayalBtCamp's Avatar
    BetrayalBtCamp Posts: 307, Reputation: 63
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    #4

    Sep 9, 2008, 03:19 PM
    There is no way to tell if love at first sight is truly "love" until it passes the test of time. "Love at first sight" is the romantic way of saying "instant attraction with killer chemistry" or "lust at first sight". It is only after the first rush of infatuation passes & you see each other without the filter of the attraction biochemistry that true love actually blossoms into being something real if it does at all, before that it is just playing at "love".
    JBeaucaire's Avatar
    JBeaucaire Posts: 5,426, Reputation: 997
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    #5

    Sep 9, 2008, 05:07 PM
    All love is real love. To try analyzing someone else's experience and have it make sense in YOUR life is pointless. All love is real love.

    That means the love you two had was real, too. There's no need to overanalyze it into meaninglessness, either. You had a temporary love, that's all.

    You only date people you like. Some people you like a LOT when you first go out. I'm sorry, but that initial love/like feeling is pretty irrelevant. All that matters is how you're acting 2 years later.

    Love either develops into selfless-sacrificial-commitment, or it wanes into selfish-melancholy-wishfulness. Most relationships wane. They don't trigger that inner change that causes BOTH people to start putting the other person's needs/life above their own. It has to happen on BOTH sides. Usually, it's one-sided (tragedy) or no-sided (comedy).

    I'd stop spending time trying to figure out HIS current love life. It's irrelevant. There is no comparison, no relation to what he says now that matches the truth you two lived 3 years ago. None.

    File away all you learned about YOURSELF dating him, and have a great next chapter based on that. Don't judge any future men on who HE was, also pointless. The only thing you take forward is what you learned about you.

    Good luck, tomorrow will be a better day if your eyes are forward.
    BetrayalBtCamp's Avatar
    BetrayalBtCamp Posts: 307, Reputation: 63
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    #6

    Sep 9, 2008, 06:04 PM
    If you are asking you to help you figure out how to point out to him what a huge mistake he is making in thinking the "one" is someone engaged to someone else, no one is going to be able to do that. It's his choice to persist in chasing the affair insanity if he wants to & she lets him.

    It sounds like you know him better than he knows himself & he does need more maturity but he's not able to do that on the timeline you need in order to have a good relationship with him now. He has a lot to learn still.

    The people who had "love at first sight" & have it last are couples that both constantly want to keep that love nurtured & good for both over the years. You didn't get that with him, no matter how strong your feelings & attachment to him was / is. You need to do what is good for you which means letting go of what he is doing or who he's doing now especially since you can't make him be a good partner to you. If he was that once, he's not willing or able to be that now. I'm sorry you're going through this heartache, it's hard to be forced into it as you were.

    JB makes great points that you should pay attention to.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #7

    Sep 10, 2008, 07:30 AM
    Love at first sight can happen, but the rest is left to how the partners deal with it. Why are you wondering about his life??
    12345_2008's Avatar
    12345_2008 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Sep 10, 2008, 08:21 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by 12345_2008
    I find that this is just an immidiate impression of a person that makes the person feel very happy suddently. It might feel like love because you like the way they look, the sound of their voice, their personality? Has anyone of you married someone that originally been attracted that way? Love at first site makes you have purpose for living, specially if you never happen to feel what love is in any other way. It also happens when two peoples eye contact happen at the same time and it is held for a few seconds. An initial contact.

    My situation is this: My ex, who I broke up with 5 years because he was acting strange fell in love with a co-worker in January. He called it "love at first sight", or fell in love the moment he saw her. In his irrational mind, he sees her as "the one" who he should marry. She is engaged with problems in her relationship and apparently also likes him, but she did question his feelings "how can you love me if you don't know the TRUE me?. He feels that she is the one and hopes that by remaining friends with her that that will give him a chance for her to turn around and change her mind to leave her current boyfriend.

    I know my ex is not ready for this responsability, or ready to share with anyone his movements. He still needs to mature. I feel now that he has manipulated me to false promisses. He had once said that he did "love" me but didn't feel he was IN-Love with me. I told him that initially, people get infatuated then when the HOTS calm down, and we feel more comfortable, LOVE transforms to a much deeper feeling. Then we see who we really are in REAL time. Not like when you first love someone that we think they are perfect. Love is a wonderful thing and it takes nouragement to keep it alive. Like a plant. You must need to water it, and give it vitamins once in a while, if its indoors, or give it shade if outdoor. Basically you need to protect it so it doesn't shatter because it is sensitive to anything but strong enough to surpase any hardship. It's like the ocean. It is gentle when it wants to be but rough when it wants to move around but the ocean is kindness and immense body is always there... anyway.

    Is love a first sight, REAL Love? Has anyone been married to anyone who has experience this, and how is it going? I need example. I believe in LOVE and in site too, but not to think that it will last. it's a nice rush though.

    Love to hear what you say.
    Thank you all for responding. To answer talaniman question, I wonder about his life because it happened while I was putting my efforts to make things work. I'm just angry that while I was genuingly putting my energy into him and being caring, all this time his mind was somewhere else. I'm angry that I was so vulnerable even though my gut feeling was telling me that something was not in my favor. I didn't believe in this gut feeling yet I was trying my best to believe his lies. Red flags kept coming up. I was a fool for giving hope a chance. Many friends are tellng me, trust all or don't trust at all, or you can't believe everything a man tells you, or move on and worry about yourself. He made a choice and he's moved on. I think, if he said he loved me, why did he leave me behind?. that's why I dumped him. One morning I woke up and decided to break up simply because he was looking at my 20+ year old cousin in a lustful way. I was so mortified that he couldn't wipe his face from smiling so hard. If he can disrespect me in that way in front of me, what would be behind me?

    You are all right that I should move on, but all my life I had the ambition to give my time and effort to a man, now I just don't care anymore. I don't care to love any man at all. Let them love me but from now on I will not let anyone take advantage or manipulate me in any way. I believe in love but now I'm not going to give it up so freely. I know myself and I am very loyal and respectful to every couple outthere. I've experienced so many married and engaged men hit on me that the number scares me. Meanwhile their wives are living an oblivious life, or think that what they don't know won't hurt them, or accept the fact that most men are like that. I think there must be about 1% of the man like that, but in a state like NY with about 9 million people, the chances of meeting someone faithful is like winning the Mega lotto in your lifetime, and I can't guarantee we will be around tomorrow. I must sound pesimistic but I'm just tired now of relationships. I have started to date people from Match but I'm not being moved by anything. I just want to be friends but nothing more. I made it clear thought to every guy of my intentions. Thanks to all of you for trying to shake me up a little. I understand. I suppose I might think differently as time passes but I'm just tired of being single and unloved.
    rebel-2's Avatar
    rebel-2 Posts: 107, Reputation: 8
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    #9

    Sep 10, 2008, 08:49 PM
    How does a person know when there in love? And all that. And is all that lasting?
    BetrayalBtCamp's Avatar
    BetrayalBtCamp Posts: 307, Reputation: 63
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    #10

    Sep 10, 2008, 09:37 PM
    Let them love me but from now on I will not let anyone take advantage or manipulate me in any way. I believe in love but now I'm not going to give it up so freely.
    That's a wise choice. Love isn't manipulative nor does it try to take advantage but the opposite. Using discretion in the relationships or love you give & nurture is the best way to make sure that you are appreciated & cherished the way you deserve.

    True love is a wonderful 2 way street but sounds like your ex is a disloyal immature dead end road, any journey with him was bound to end up badly if he can't appreciate what he's got instead of lusting for the adrenaline rush of a new infatuation constantly. Love doesn't fail, people do because they are human & imperfect.

    Unfortunately, infidelity is an epidemic but that doesn't mean there isn't plenty of loyal, faithful, honest, truly worthwhile men who would love to be with you to create a wonderful lifetime together & will prove that to you when you're ready. However, coming out of such a long term relationship is an adjustment & it takes time to mourn all the lost dreams & hopes. Take this time for yourself & to figure out what you need to from the past to make a much better present & future open to you with the type of partner that will be a great one for you.

    Don't lose hope about love, just love the fact you lost a loser before he wasted even more of your valuable life as best you can until you can fully embrace the truth of that. The biggest loss is his but by the time he truly gets that (if he ever does, some people never grow up), your life will have gone in a much better direction to the true love that can be yours now that you've freed yourself of the fake he wanted to chain you down with.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #11

    Sep 11, 2008, 05:55 AM
    I'm just tired of being single and unloved.
    I completely understand your hurt, and anger, at this point, as you have been through a lot, and your emotionally devastated by the change you must make, after 5 years with someone. Overwhelming I know.

    Give yourself some time to mourn the death of this dead relationship, and regroup, and rebuild. It starts with healing, and learning to love yourself for who you are, and you will find that you can be happy with just who you are, and the activities, and friends that you enjoy.

    Its a process that takes time, and work, but when your ready, and committed to yourself, you'll feel a lot better about you, and your world, and someone will want to share it with you.

    Its hard now, being so newly to heartbroken, but it will get better. Don't give up on yourself.
    12345_2008's Avatar
    12345_2008 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    Sep 12, 2008, 09:52 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman
    I completely understand your hurt, and anger, at this point, as you have been thru a lot, and your emotionally devastated by the change you must make, after 5 years with someone. Overwhelming I know.

    Give yourself some time to mourn the death of this dead relationship, and regroup, and rebuild. It starts with healing, and learning to love yourself for who you are, and you will find that you can be happy with just who you are, and the activities, and friends that you enjoy.

    Its a process that takes time, and work, but when your ready, and committed to yourself, you'll feel a lot better about you, and your world, and someone will want to share it with you.

    Its hard now, being so newly to heartbroken, but it will get better. Don't give up on yourself.

    --- Thanks Talaniman for your support and everyone else replying. I just feel drained. In my mind, I spent so much time giving so much of myself, cooking, going out, trying to communicate and trying to be understood and be loved, etc. but I have the luck that I date for a long time but the men just date me until something better comes along. I don't know what it is. Is it faith or fate that there still someone out there that has not met me yet? Could that be the case? That no matter what we can humanly possible do, our lives get redirected by other circumstances to lead our path straight to where we supposed to be? Hasn't that happened to anyone? Have you heard the song "One Step at a Time" by Jordin Sparks. It is so true. We are all impatient to make things work but when it doesn't it just won't. I'm almost 40 and I just feel that in 20 years or shortly my good looks will disappear and if my personality is not in top notch, I have no chance to meet the person of my dreams... Go figure... life is very short when we waist it and don't think wisely.

    Thanks,
    12345_2008's Avatar
    12345_2008 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #13

    Sep 12, 2008, 09:56 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman
    I completely understand your hurt, and anger, at this point, as you have been thru a lot, and your emotionally devastated by the change you must make, after 5 years with someone. Overwhelming I know.

    Give yourself some time to mourn the death of this dead relationship, and regroup, and rebuild. It starts with healing, and learning to love yourself for who you are, and you will find that you can be happy with just who you are, and the activities, and friends that you enjoy.

    Its a process that takes time, and work, but when your ready, and committed to yourself, you'll feel a lot better about you, and your world, and someone will want to share it with you.

    Its hard now, being so newly to heartbroken, but it will get better. Don't give up on yourself.

    Its hard now, being so newly to heartbroken, but it will get better. Don't give up on yourself.[/QUOTE]


    --- Thanks Talaniman for your support and everyone else replying. I just feel drained. In my mind, I spent so much time giving so much of myself, cooking, going out, trying to communicate and trying to be understood and be loved, etc. but I have the luck that I date for a long time but the men just date me until something better comes along. I don't know what it is. Is it faith or fate that there still someone out there that has not met me yet? Could that be the case? That no matter what we can humanly possible do, our lives get redirected by other circumstances to lead our path straight to where we supposed to be? Hasn't that happened to anyone? Have you heard the song "One Step at a Time" by Jordin Sparks. It is so true. We are all impatient to make things work but when it doesn't it just won't. I'm almost 40 and I just feel that in 20 years or shortly my good looks will disappear and if my personality is not in top notch, I have no chance to meet the person of my dreams... Go figure... life is very short when we waist it and don't think wisely.

    Thanks,

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